it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
