I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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