Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
