I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
