Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize