I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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