She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize