Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
