is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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