If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
