Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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