I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
