Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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