Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
