the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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