my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
