If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
