If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
