I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
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