He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
