My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
