It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
