i was born a porn star she said
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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