meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
