a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
