Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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