ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
