hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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