I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
