I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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