i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
