Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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