And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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