I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
