Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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