Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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