Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
