I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize