I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
