im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
