I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
