It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
