I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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