you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
