Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
