I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
