Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
