im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
