it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
