Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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