You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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