My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
