hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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