I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
high people should be assigned attendants
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
