im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
