fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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