i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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