my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
