new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
