I will die if light touches me.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
