i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
