he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize